Building a deep and lasting relationship Part 2: Communication in Relationships—The Art of Acceptance and Its Challenges
It’s not that they don’t hear you. It’s not that they ignore your words. It’s simply that you’re speaking from different internal maps. Not because there is no love, but because there is a misunderstanding. Because of interpretations—or more accurately, misinterpretations. Because of old patterns.
It’s not that they don’t hear you; it’s that you’re speaking different languages
It’s not what they said that hurt you — it’s what you believed they meant. Albert Ellis, the father of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), described this with striking clarity: “It’s not the events that disturb us, but our beliefs about them”. A timeless insight that goes back to Epictetus and was later embraced by Dr. Ellis.
Epstein and Baucom, leading researchers in relationships and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), point out that unhappy couples are more prone to systematically distorting each other’s words. They filter communication through past emotional wounds and negative cognitive lenses, such as: “He’s rejecting me again”, “She doesn’t respect me”, or “They’re trying to control me”. Every word from their partner is interpreted not based on intent, but through the lens of fear.
For example, Yiannis says, “I have an issue at work,” But Maria hears: “I don’t matter to him.” Instead of asking, “Are you okay?”, she replies with bitterness: “Right, I’m clearly not a priority.” And just like that, anger is born — not from the words themselves, but from the interpretation.
What communication is not
In modern relationships, one of the most commonly reported issues by both couples and therapists is difficulty in communication. This breakdown is often responsible for the greatest tensions, the most painful silences, and the most intense misunderstandings.
Frank Dattilio, a seasoned couples therapist, notes that almost every couple seeking help says, “We need better communication.” But what do they really mean? Deep down, it’s something much more personal: “I want to feel that they truly get me. I want to be understood — and I want us to agree. And I want things to go smoothly.” But here lies a common trap: good communication doesn’t necessarily mean agreement.
The Agreement Trap
The truth? Good communication isn’t about agreement; it’s about the art of acceptance.
It’s a process aimed at mutual understanding and, where possible, joint problem-solving — not a contest over who’s right. And that makes it far more difficult, but also far more radical, than we tend to believe.
Too often, conversations in relationships turn into verbal confrontations, where each partner tries either to impose their view or persuade the other to agree.
This doesn’t just block communication — it breeds mistrust, alienation, awkwardness, and ultimately… silence. Communication should never be a power struggle. It should be common ground for understanding.
The Art of Acceptance: A Key to Genuine Communication
This is where the idea of acceptance comes into play, as described by Professor Aaron T. Beck in his book Love Is Never Enough. Acceptance doesn’t mean passivity or giving up. It means something far more active: the conscious choice to make space for the other person, to listen without judgment, even when you disagree.
Acceptance in a relationship means listening attentively without interrupting, showing your partner that you truly understand the meaning behind their words; expressing your feelings using “I” statements (e.g., “I feel pressured,” “I feel frustrated when…”) instead of blaming the other person with accusations like “It’s your fault!” which only put them on the defensive (e.g., “You’re suffocating me!”), and accepting different opinions, seeing disagreement as an opportunity for connection rather than a threat. Your partner is not an enemy just because they disagree—they are simply different. And that difference is a richness, not a problem. As South Korean philosopher Byung-Chul Han writes, “Love is addressed to the Other in the strong sense—it cannot be achieved within the realm of the ego. Within the hell of sameness, which today’s society increasingly resembles…”
The Greek Family: A Crash Test in Communication
The Greek family is not merely a structure; it is a tightly knit system of relationships—so intense and ever-present that, without even realizing it, we are constantly honing our skills in the art of communication. From the Sunday dinner table to the mother who “knows what’s wrong before you even say it,” we grow up in an environment where expression is vivid, emotion is ever-present, and intimacy is almost inevitable.
For many, this world feels paradoxical. On one hand, there is emotional warmth, immediacy, and an intimacy that encourages authentic expression—the very foundation of acceptance. On the other hand, traditional hierarchy, the rule that “the eldest is always right,” and unspoken norms about “who gets to speak” create roles that easily lead to silences and misunderstandings. Freedom of expression can coexist with subtle, underlying implicit rules not to disturb the “structure”.
And yet, this experience—with all its contradictions—serves as a cultural exercise in relationship resilience. For Greeks, including those in the diaspora, this model builds the instinct of “togetherness”: to stay engaged in dialogue, to persist, to make room for the other.
Communicative maturity arises when we maintain the functional elements (intimacy, emotional availability, commitment to the relationship) while breaking down the roles that encourage avoidance and passivity. Not by rejecting the family, but by evolving its language.
Key Message
Creating a safe space allows the other person to express themselves freely, without fear of criticism or irony. And that’s when real connection begins. Some practical tips for meaningful communication:
- Talk less, ask thoughtfully: not “Why didn’t you call?” but “Is something on your mind?”
- Don’t rely on hints: indirect communication blocks signals and causes misunderstandings.
- Leave room for disagreement: agreement doesn’t equal understanding, and understanding doesn’t require agreement.
- Synchronize: if your partner takes time to speak, be patient. If they are more expressive, don’t take it personally.
- Listen with your body: show that you’re engaged—not only with words but also with eye contact, gestures, and energy.
Palikrousis L. Thomas, Psychologist, MSc, PhD(c)
